Remus Lupin Agony Aunt
by quiffed
Summary: Lily comes to Remus for relationship advice. Sirius is a bit of a prat. Marauder era (obviously). This is either LilyRemus or RemusSirius or LilySirius, take your pick! It's all very tame, though, no-one's really getting any.


Lily bursts through Remus's front door, looking harassed. Both Remus and Sirius glance upwards as she walks in. Remus is lying on the battered green sofa, hands folded over his stomach, and Sirius is sprawled over the coffee table, holding a rolled cigarette loosely in one hand.

"We need to talk," Lily states briskly, ignoring Sirius and striding purposefully towards the sofa. Remus sits up hurriedly, brushing chocolate biscuit crumbs off his shirt. Sirius, however, continues to gaze at Lily.

"Wait a second." Sirius rolls onto his back in order to get a better view of Lily's face. "You've got a key, Evans?" Sirius turns to Remus accusingly. "How come Carrot-Top has a key, and _I _don't?"

"You _lost_ your key, Pads," Remus mutters, not looking at him. "Lily, would you care for some tea? Wine? Tapwater? It's fairly safe to drink, now they've solved that plumbing problem."

"But you could've been _naked_!" Sirius cuts in, sitting up excitedly and knocking the glass ashtray onto the floor with a clang. "You could've just come out of the shower, you could be in the middle of a steamy love session – this is hypothetical, mind you – and Evans is just allowed to _barge _in?"

"_You_ did," says Lily acidly, sinking down next to Remus. Sirius rolls his dark brown eyes and strolls over to the tiny kitchenette.

"That was an accident, Evans. Let it go."

"I _made a point_ of saying that the lock was broken, and I –"

"It's not like I even _saw_ anything."

"You _wish_! Oh, you are such a one track mind, I cannot _believe_ that –"

"Lily," Remus says quietly. "Pads. Shut up, both of you." Sirius gradually subsides, muttering darkly about boisterous redheads, whilst Lily looks scandalised.

"_Remus_!"

"Ignore him," Remus tells her firmly. "What did you come here to talk about?"

Lily takes a deep breath and smoothes down her skirt before replying. Sirius walks past, holding a glass of red wine. Lily picks it up as soon as he places it on the table and drains half the glass in one go.

"Thanks, Sirius. I needed that."

Sirius stares at Lily and the wine in turn, unable to speak. Eventually he lets out a strangled noise and stomps off to the bathroom, shaking his head. Lily watches him go, smiling conspiratorially at Remus.

"Hmm. Someone seems unhappy. Maybe I should barge in on _him _and see how he likes it." Lily pretends to stand up, and Remus puts his hand on her arm gently.

"Don't. Leave him be, he's funny about things like that." Lily nods humbly and sits back down, tossing her head self-consciously.

"What I wanted to talk about – it's James." Lily begins talking hurriedly, her words tripping over one another. "It was fine in the beginning, really it was, he'd say something, and I'd laugh, and if we ever squabbled he'd apologise straight away and kiss me and it'd be _fine_. But _now _he'll say something and it'll irritate the hell out of me and it takes us so much longer to make up, and sometimes I still find myself feeling _bitter_. Like tonight, we were talking about the silliest thing, and it just _escalated_. It blew all out of proportion, you know?"

Lily pauses for breath and takes another sip of Sirius's wine. Remus licks his lips nervously. He can never figure out why it is that females see him as the one with all the answers to their problems. True, he had a few girl mates at school, but that doesn't mean he knows how to be an agony aunt.

"I think," Remus says slowly, "that maybe since your relationship is no longer new and fresh, you're starting to notice the little aspects of each other's character that are... less than perfect."

"What Moony means is," Sirius interrupts, walking out of the toilet and wiping his hands on the front of his trousers, "now that you're no longer having amazing sex every night, you're starting to realise that James is a bit of a cock."

"I thought he was a bit of a cock _before_," Lily protests. "He used to be so different. I just thought he'd changed. Matured. Unlike _you_, Black."

Sirius laughs a bit too loudly and goes to sit down on the arm of the sofa. Lily shifts closer to Remus in order to avoid Sirius wiping the mud from his dragonhide boots on her new skirt.

"Prongs is _easy_. I mean, the guy worships you. Just tell him you still love him and you're not about to leave him for another handsomer, richer guy and he'll be fine. He's just insecure about you leaving him. That's why he's crabby."

"So I should just tell him I'm not about to dump him? That'll fix things?" Lily looks at Remus doubtfully. Sirius shrugs and wrinkles his nose.

"Always worked for me, Evans. Hey Moony, d'you have any more of those chocolate biscuits? Feeling peckish, you know."

Remus shakes his head. Sirius sighs heavily and eyes the door with an air of self-pity.

"I should go. Peter'll be waiting to interrogate me about tonight's supposed sexual exploits." He pauses, running his tongue over his bottom lip, and looks up at the peeling wallpaper. "Hey – mind if I stay the night? I'll Floo Peter and tell him not to wait up. D'you mind, Moony?"

"No, course not," Remus answers immediately. Sirius nods at him gratefully and grunts a goodnight to Lily, who gives him a weak smile in return. The instant Sirius disappears into the bedroom, Lily lets out a snort of laughter. Remus looks at her warily.

"What?"

"Peter and Sirius _live_ together?"

"Yeah... it's not that weird."

"It _is. _Are they... _you know_. Living together because they _are_ together?"

It's Remus's turn to find something funny. He doubles over, giggling uncontrollably until Lily whacks him on the back and he hiccups. Still laughing, he reaches for the wine and sips it steadily.

"I'm taking that as a no," Lily says wryly. Remus snorts in response and Lily lifts her eyes to the ceiling.

"So – Sirius staying the night? Just like that?"

"Yeah." Remus hiccups, surprising himself.

"Only one bed."

"Mmm. Well – top to tail, you know..."

"Excuse me?"

"His head at the foot of the bed, my head at the –um- head of the bed. It _is_ a double." Remus is beginning to look increasingly uncomfortable, although this may be due to the fact that his hiccups are getting increasingly more violent.

"Sirius could sleep here, on the sofa."

"Yes. Well it's not that... um... _practical_. Pads doesn't really like sleeping alone."

"I never would've guessed." Lily sniffs primly. Remus looks straight at her, his eyes deadly serious.

"Sirius isn't a slag, Lily."

"I never said Black was a –"

"You didn't have to. I can tell what you're thinking each time you hear about another one of his "adventures". Even I think it sometimes, but he's just having a bit of fun. He's not a chauvinist or a bad person; he's just... enjoying himself." Remus rubs Lily's arm comfortingly. Lily laughs breezily, and stands up.

"I like Black, don't get me wrong. He's just a bit too easy to dislike." Lily glances around the room. "I should go. I'm dog-tired, and I don't know what James would say if _I _spent the night."

"There is room in the bed, now you mention it," Remus jokes, then falters when he sees Lily's expression. "Sorry. I know. I'll leave that kind of humour to James and Sirius. They're best at it."

"James? He doesn't make those kinds of jokes," Lily begins, then checks herself. "At least – not to me. Funny, that."

"Want a choccie biscuit for the road?" Remus asks, rising from the sofa stiffly.

"Nah – I thought you told Black you'd run out."

"If Sirius has one biscuit, he has to have another and another until the whole pack's reduced to crumbs. Even when they're regular ones, not even chocolate or anything. It's madness, really."

Lily laughs, and leans forward to kiss Remus on the cheek.

"Thank you for always being here," she whispers, and then hugs him. Remus is utterly taken aback, and doesn't quite know what to do with his hands, so he awkwardly half pats, half squeezes her shoulder as she holds him. His face is scrunched up into her hair. It smells sweet, the scent of strawberries.

"Cuddling, are we?" Sirius asks coldly from the bedroom doorway. He is barefoot, and clad only in black boxer shorts. Lily can't remember ever having seen Sirius's bare chest before. Not close up, at least. It is, admittedly, a nice chest. It's smooth and hairless, and the six-pack is nearly as defined as James's even though his history as a Quidditch player is not nearly as impressive as his friend's. Lily's gaze travels down Sirius's chest and stomach to his bellybutton, then past the line of little black hairs that end at the band of his (curiously low-waisted) boxers. Lily remembers that Remus will be sharing a bed with him tonight. _Lucky Remus_, she thinks involuntarily.

"You have unattractive brown smudges round your mouth," Remus tells Sirius off-handedly, breaking the hug. His eyes widen. "Did you find my bedtime chocolates?"

Remus is distracted by Lily stroking his cheek with her delicate hand. He gulps. Looking over Remus's shoulder, she raises her perfectly shaped eyebrows at Sirius, who nods back at her amiably. Then she goes, leaving nothing but a faint trace of her Lily-ness. Sirius yawns rudely.

"Oh no, I scared her away." He glances sideways at Remus. "Got any more sweets hidden in the bed that I should know about? Only I'd hate to wake up with squidgy gunk all over me."

Remus rumples his hair thoughtfully and makes his way over to the bedroom, ignoring Sirius. Sirius stands aside to let him through, then follows him in, nudging the door shut with his heel.

"And have you got any books I can read that aren't Muggle poetry?"

"Yes, loads."

"Sorry mate, you misunderstood me. What I meant _was_, do you have any books that aren't boring?"

"Shakespeare?"

"_God_ no."

"_The Catcher in the Rye_?"

"Read that. It was ok. You got anything with –you know- sex in it?"

"Blake actually has some quite –"

"_No_."

"Well - I'm sorry Pads, but there's no way I'm giving you _Playboy_."

"_Why?"_

"Do you have _any_ idea how disturbing it is to have someone wanking next to you in the middle of the night?"

"Moooony! Did we or did we not share a dormitory all the way through school?"

"I used my Herbology earmuffs back then." There is a long pause. Remus is blushing furiously, but Sirius looks mildly interested.

"Did you really?"

"Yes." Another pause. Sirius clears his throat.

"Where are these earmuffs now?"

"I lent them to Peter. He still has to live with you."

"Ah. Well..." Sirius slips under the covers. "Goodnight, then."

"Goodnight," Remus replies, intensely relieved. He goes over to his small wardrobe and begins to undress.

"Moony?"

"What?"

"If I fashioned you some earplugs out of cotton wool..."

"Go. To. Sleep. _Please_."

"You know _Wench_?"

"No, Pads. Shut up."

"It's like... _wizards'_ _Playboy_. The pictures move." Remus ignores him, and pulls on a pair of stripy pyjama bottoms.

"They _move_, Moony."

"I heard you the first time. You are revolting." Remus gets into bed beside Sirius and pulls the string just above their heads. The electric light snaps off and Remus snuggles down underneath the duvet contentedly. "G'night, Pads."

There is no answer. "Goodnight, Pads!" Remus repeats, much louder.

"I'm not talking to you."

"Oh," Remus says, surprised. Thanking Merlin for little mercies, he closes his eyes blissfully. "Good."

They are both asleep within minutes.


End file.
